I'm lost.

I have one passion that I am fully aware of, and that is writing. I love to write for people because it's one of the ways I can share joy. I want to spend my days writing beautiful words so people can feel what I feel. But I don't know how to make that a job, so that's not how I spend my days. I spend my days at work, then by the time I'm home my desire to write is gone and I crawl into bed. This has been my life for the past two years. My flaw is that I'm lazy, and I read other peoples work and I feel inadequate. Because why would someone need to read my words when so many other people have already said all I have to say? Who knows. But it's time for me to get over that and write, because I feel my happiness come back when I write.

For so long I've been half a person, I haven't been complete for a long time. Realizing this caused a huge amount of pain, which hasn't left. I didn't like the pain so I distracted myself from it for a while, but then all of a sudden it came crashing down on me. My life is vastly different to what it used to be, and all of a sudden I was lost. My smile was fake, and the sparkle from my eyes was dead. 

But, I am on the road we call life, and I know now that to find myself I need to draw near to God. He is my source of Joy and life, and when I started to lose sight of that I lost myself. I was the girl who was defined by her relationship and as soon as I knew that, I had to leave. It was difficult, because I honestly loved him. But I loved him to the point that I was willing to lose myself to be what he wanted, and that didn't sit well with me. So, here I am. Single. Trying to find my passion for life and zeal for God.

But I feel happy for writing this, it's strangely healing. Words calm my chaotic mind.







Lecy x

Would the 8 year old me be proud of who I am?

For some reason this question has been lingering in the back of my mind for a while. I'm not 100 percent sure why, but I think I read something about it and it the question never really left me.

In answer to it, I honestly think I wouldn't be proud of who I am. Only because as a small child I thought that by the time I was 'old' (I used to think 16 was a big deal) I would have my life together. I would imagine that I'd know what I was going to do for a career and I thought I would have found the perfect man to marry. (I know I said I'd never get married, but I was always lying and we all knew that). So if the little, innocent, 8 year old me saw me now, they would be disappointed. This realization scared me at first, but the more I thought about it the more I understood. Yes I would be sad that I hadn't conquered life as young as I had hoped, but  I would be so happy with myself for staying true to the person I am and to my faith. Because I've never been the person who knew exactly what they wanted from life, so of course it's going to take me a while to find what I what to spend the rest of it doing. Little me would be happy that I still have the most incredible friends, and that I am getting a qualification (even if I'm not sure it's what I'll do forever..). I would be proud because no matter what life has thrown at me, I've never admitted defeat, and that makes my stubborn little heart so happy. I know I've made mistakes, and I am by no means saying that I'm perfect, but I think I'm allowed to tell myself that I'm doing okay every now and then. Because if I don't encourage myself, who will? I'm happy with the person I'm becoming, and it's taken me a long time to get here. But I'm the lady that God made and intended for me to be. Daily I have to remind myself to trust Him and not my own feelings, and it's a struggle. But He's working with me and always will be cause I'll never be perfect. But right now, I'm happy with where I am and I look forward to growing and finding out more about who I am and where I'm going to go with life. It's an exciting journey, very tiresome, but sometimes the joy outweighs the tiredness. I'm just thankful that I've been given incredible friends that never leave my side, and an amazing family that keeps my feet on the ground and head out of the clouds. I wouldn't be the person I am today if God hadn't put me through everything I've been through, and for that I'm grateful. If I said all this to the 8 year old me, I wouldn't understand but I would be okay with who I've become, mainly because God will always be the main focus of my life. And I know from experience that when God isn't the focus I can get rid of the distractions.

Sorry for the rambles, but this is my blog and that is what I do. It is my way of letting everything out, and I've missed it so much! So if you don't enjoy it, don't read it. I enjoy writing and if no one reads what I say, I won't mind in the slightest. This is for me, and if someone does like me then that's cool.

"Instead of a river, God often gives us a brook, which may be running today and dried up tomorrow. Why? To teach us not to rest in our blessings, but in the blesser himself." ~ A. W. Pink.

That's all I have the energy to write tonight.

Lecy xx